Narcissism & Being Special

We all fear the loss of our identity and uniqueness. We seem to be acutely aware of this
fear in a crowd of people. This wish to be distinct, “special” in the most primitive sense,
is universal. It crosses cultural barriers and spans different periods in human history.
We use hair styles, clothing, behavior, lifestyles and products of our creative mind to
differentiate ourselves.

The sensation of “being unique or special” is of paramount importance. It is behind
many a social custom. People feel indispensable, one of a kind, in a loving relationship,
for instance. One’s uniqueness is reflected by one’s spouse and this provides one with an
“independent, external and objective” affirmation of one’s specialness. This sounds very
close to pathological narcissism. Indeed, the difference is in measure – not in substance.

Healthy people “use” others to confirm their sense of distinctiveness – but they do not
over-dose or over-do it. Feeling unique is to the average person of secondary
importance. He derives the bulk of his sense of identity from his well-developed,
differentiated Ego. The clear-cut boundaries of his Ego and his thorough acquaintance
with a beloved figure – his authentic self – are enough.

Only people whose Ego is underdeveloped, immature, and relatively undifferentiated,
need ever larger quantities of external Ego boundary setting, of affirmation through
reflection. To such people, there is no distinction between significant and less
meaningful others. Everyone carries the same weight and fulfills the same
functions: reflection, affirmation, recognition, adulation, or attention. This is why,
to them, everyone is interchangeable and dispensable.

The narcissist employs the following mechanisms in his relationships (say, in a marriage):

1. He “merges” with his spouse/mate and contains him/her as a representation of the outside world.

2. He exerts absolute dominion over the spouse (again in her symbolic capacity as The World).

These two mechanisms substitute for the healthier forms of relationship, where the two
members of the couple maintain their distinctiveness, while, at the same time, creating
a new “being of togetherness.”

To ensure a constant flow of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist seeks to “replicate”
his projected self. He becomes addicted to publicity, fame, and celebrity. Merely
observing his “replicated self” – on billboards, TV screens, book covers, newspapers
– sustains the narcissist’s feelings of omnipotence and omnipresence, akin to the ones
that he experienced in his early childhood. The “replicated self” provides the narcissist
with an “existential substitute,” proof that he exists – functions normally carried out by
a healthy, well-developed Ego through its interactions with the outside world
(the “reality principle”).

In extreme cases of deprivation, when Narcissistic Supply is nowhere to be
found, the narcissist decompensates and disintegrates, even up to having
psychotic micro-episodes. The narcissist also forms or participates in hermetic
or exclusive, cult-like, social circles, whose members share his delusions
(Pathological Narcissistic Space). The function of these acolytes is to serve
as a psychological entourage and to provide “objective” proof of the narcissist’s
self-importance and grandeur. When these devices fail, it leads to an all-pervasive
feeling of annulment and detachment.

An abandoning spouse or a business failure, for instance, are crises whose magnitude
and meaning cannot be suppressed. This usually moves the narcissist to seek treatment.

Therapy starts where self-delusion leaves off, but it takes a massive disintegration of
the very fabric of the narcissist’s life and personality organization to bring about merely
this limited concession of defeat. Even then the narcissist merely seeks to be “fixed” in
order to continue his life as before.

The boundaries (and the very existence) of the narcissist’s Ego are defined by others.
In times of crisis, the inner experience of the narcissist – even when he is surrounded
by people – is that of rapid, uncontrollable dissolution.

This feeling is life threatening. This existential conflict forces the narcissist to fervently
seek or improvise solutions, optimal or suboptimal, at any cost. The narcissist proceeds
to find a new spouse, to secure publicity, or to get involved with new “friends”, who are
willing to accommodate his desperate need for Narcissistic Supply.

This sense of overwhelming urgency causes the narcissist to suspend all judgment. In
these circumstances, the narcissist is likely to misjudge the traits and abilities of a
prospective spouse, the quality of his own work, or his status within his social milieu. He
is liable to make indiscriminate use of all his defense mechanisms to justify and rationalize
this hot pursuit.

Many narcissists reject treatment even in the most dire circumstances. Feeling
omnipotent, they seek the answers themselves and in themselves, and then venture to
“fix” and “maintain” themselves. They gather information, philosophize, “creatively
innovate”, and contemplate. They do all this single-handedly and even when they are
forced to seek other people’s counsel, they are unlikely to admit it and are likely to
devalue their helpers.

The narcissist dedicates a lot of his time and energy to establish his own specialness.
He is concerned with the degree of his uniqueness and with various methods to
substantiate, communicate and document it.

The narcissist’s frame of reference is nothing less than posterity and the entirety of the
human race. His uniqueness must be immediately and universally recognized. It must
(potentially, at least) be known by everyone at all times – or it loses its allure. It is an all
or nothing situation.

Uniqueness and intimacy are strong rivals.
Intimacy implies a certain acquaintance of one’s partner with privileged information.
Yet, it is exactly such partially or wholly withheld information that buttresses one’s
sense of superiority, uniqueness, and mystery which, inevitably, vanishes with
disclosure and intimacy. Additionally, intimacy is a common and universal pursuit.
It does not confer uniqueness on its seeker.